Masochist: what it means and how to explore it

The word comes from Leopold von Sacher-Masoch, the 19th-century Austrian writer whose novel "Venus in Furs" tells of a man who longs to be dominated and hurt by the woman he loves. Psychiatrist Richard von Krafft-Ebing coined the clinical term in the 1880s. Kink communities later reclaimed it for a consensual preference, the "M" in S&M, and today many people call themselves masochists with pride and a bit of humor.

Masochists often say that pain in a scene feels nothing like stubbing a toe. In a scene you've chosen, with someone you trust, intensity can turn into a rush, a release of tension, or a floaty, euphoric state some people call "subspace." There's an emotional side too: enduring, offering your body to sensation, and feeling cared for afterward. Some masochists love the sting itself; others love what it unlocks in their head.

Solo, masochistic curiosity can look like enjoying firm self-touch, pinching or clothespins, or fantasizing about a partner who doesn't go easy on you. With a partner, it ranges from asking for harder spanks and bites during sex to full impact scenes with paddles or floggers, or sensation play with wax, clamps and scratching. Many masochists cherish marks and soreness the next day as a private reminder of what happened.

The most common misconception is that masochists like all pain, all the time. Most enjoy specific sensations, in specific contexts, with specific people, and dislike everyday pain as much as anyone. Another myth is that masochists are always submissive; plenty are firmly in charge and simply direct someone to hurt them. And enjoying pain says nothing about your self-worth. It's a preference, not a sign that something is wrong with you.